Q: What do you get when you take lsd and birth control pills?
A: A trip without the kids.
Q: What are the first five words a crackhead in a three piece tailored suit hears?
A: "Will the defendant please rise"
Q: What did the heroin addict get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.
Two guys are sitting on the porch of their house, tripping on LSD. Suddenly, a firetruck races down the street, flashing its lights and howling its sirens.
After it passes, one tripper turns to the other and says, "Phew! Man, I thought he'd never go away!"
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These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.
The first guy says, "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk."
The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable.
The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room.
The second guy says, "It's the women, I could never stay faithful to my wife."
The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn't believe it and his dick got instantly hard and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him.
The third dude says, "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up."
The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door.
One hundred years pass and the Devil returns to check on the three men.
He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit, and piss. "I'll never drink again!" he says. The devil says it's good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.
The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams. The devil figures he's learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too.
The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and sees nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago.
The Devil asks him if he's learned anything.
The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, "Dude ... you got a light?"
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A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he
stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, 'Giraffe, my friend, Think about
what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the
forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!' The giraffe looks
at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the
rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit
again says, 'Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about
what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the
pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!' The elephant looks
at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and
starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up some
smack. 'Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're
doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you
will feel so good!' The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and
starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the
presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. 'Lion,' they
reprimand, 'why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us
all!' The lion answers, 'That little fucker has me running around
the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!'
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Jesus sees that planet earth is going down the drain because so many people use something called drugs. So he has to know about this kind of shit so he calls all the Apostles and tells them that they have to go down to earth to see for themselves what is going on and then go back to Heaven and report to Jesus...
The Apostles go to different places on earth and after some time they come back to report what they saw. John comes and Jesus asks him "What did you find?" John: "I've got some funny stuff, that's called marijuana..." Jesus: "Oh yeah? Let me try it..." he tries it and... "Hey dudes, the music sounds so great!"
Then Paul comes with some amphetamine... Jesus tries it and goes "Wow, I'm feeling hot and full of energy!"
Then comes Peter with some LSD and Jesus says "My hands... they look soo... strange".
He tries all kinds of dope from each and every one of the Apostles and in the end he welcomes Judas with a huge stoned smile...
"Sooooo..... Judas ..... my ..... brother" he says, "What did .... you bring?"
Judas: "I brought the cops!"
